Present Day note: After 19 years of marriage, I can still say, I found my soul mate, a bit heavier that when I met him, a tinge of gray hair on his temple, a bit grumpier than the patient being I fell in love with, but still every bit the man I came into this world to be with...
Happily ever after…
Valentine’s week and I found myself down with the dreaded flu. My body was too weak to do anything substantial but as always, my mind too awake by decongestants to find that elusive sweet slumber! When all my defenses were down, the allure of the remote control was just too hard to resist. So began the highlight of my day, watching afternoon television. With my life running on fast forward all the time, putting it on temporary pause mode was indeed a luxury. I swear, the medication must have worked double time since I found surfing through the channels an uplifting activity in an otherwise bleak mid-day.
I just kept clicking on the remote control until I found something interesting. I guess I must have dozed off a bit because when I regained consciousness, I heard Dr. Phil talking about “life’s defining moments”. Some of his guests spoke about profound ones, from childhood abuse to total parental abandonment. For most guests, the issues were about the rejection of a love completely given, and for others, the frustration generated by unmet expectations.
I felt so sorry for those people on that show who were so willing to express their pain. At the same time, I felt a deep sense of gratitude to those who have nurtured me along the way. And so it is with humble triviality that I write about one of my life’s defining moments.
My earliest defining moment happened while I was watching a movie in the theatre for the first time. Vivid memories of the banished princess Snow White, sitting by the wishing well, singing the tune that would define my generation’s search for everlasting love. As the beautiful princess expressed her immortal yearning for love, as she waited for her prince to come and save her from her wretched world, I found myself weeping like no other eight year old ever did in the history of Disney animation!!!
As promised by the lovely song of the princess, after a long and arduous wait, my prince finally did come. The knight in shinning armor of my dreams had finally graced my life. Every detail of the “perfect” wedding, I started planning when I was eight years old had come to fruition. Every reality of which, magnified and made sweeter by passion. Emotions definitely ran deep, the intensity of which I had never known. The moment of truth had finally come. I had found myself in front of the altar of my dreams, uttering the two little words, I so earnestly desired to say: “I do”. These two little words which would define my life from then on to eternity, lovingly, with the “man of my dreams”. Clearly, all of the wishes that I had ever made, on every star that I had ever seen, had come true!
Through the years, I realized that conceivably it was intentional that there was never a Snow White Part 2 nor for that matter, was there a Sleeping Beauty Part 2. Plausibly because, fairy tales ended when reality began!
Reality hit me, when I began noticing the slight imperfections on my otherwise flawless man. Reality bit me, when I realized that this personal demigod was for all intents and purposes just a man! Reality hit me more, when I began crossing out items on my ideal man list, only to be replaced by items on the “needs improvement” list.
Some people say that the first years of marriage are the most critical. Possibly because when the honeymoon is over, the two parties are at last comfortable to let all their guards down. Different worlds are finally allowed to blend and at times prevented to clash.
I had very high expectations of this hunk of a man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. Like the princess I identified with decades ago, I so desperately wanted my prince to redeem me from my world and take me to paradise. A year into the marriage, we were nowhere near paradise!!!
For some reason, something was missing. Not even the arrival of descendants brought completeness. There just was something that was obviously lacking, although in essence, that something was admittedly unidentifiable!
Of course, with all confidence, I can say that all of his expectations of me were met in the most grandiose way! Nothing was ever really my fault. I put the blame on him in situations when, unlike most of my girlfriends, he couldn’t seem to “read” my mind! Reading minds was an art that my best friends and I have mastered through the years. In fact, we took pride in knowing that we could finish each other’s sentences. The man, whom I adored on the other hand, didn’t seem to understand why my level of emotions was directly proportional to that of the intensity of my exhaustion! For it is a fact, that being fatigued due to 24/7 nurturing wasn’t an excuse to bring up the inequalities in a relationship, it was a license!
There were times when I doubted myself and declared that I hadn’t found Mr. Right all along. He was just a man, who happened to be there when I was searching for the prince who would sweep me off my feet. I resented him and all of the shattered ideals I had of him. He wasn’t going to take me to paradise, on the contrary, it felt more like we were headed to a deserted island, where only isolation and desperation existed!
Someone once said, “Life happens when you least expect it”. Perhaps with the on-set of middle age, contemplating about one’s life becomes less of a past time but more of a form of meditation. Memories of despair are replaced with nostalgic anecdotes on a stage of life when the constant, overflowing supply of love seemed to obscure the scarcity of material wealth.
As I looked forward to another day of celebration of love, I looked back on the one that has mattered the most.
Amidst successes he has been my staunchest supporter. In the depth of failure, he provided his unwavering faith and the utmost assurance of hope. Through the years, he has become a constant source of laughter in what seemed to be at times, a non-comical world!
His imperfections have complimented those of mine. His strength has diminished my weaknesses. In over a decade of being together, the intensity of his passion is overshadowed only by its endurance. And although he never learned how to “read” my mind, he saw through me and accepted me anyway. No pleas for improvement, no requirements for perfection. He simply just took me in, as I was originally packaged, never asking for more, not wanting to compromise for less. Indeed, as he promised on our wedding day, he offered me unconditional acceptance wrapped in love so generously given!!
So as the world prepared for another weekend of wine and roses, I looked back at that one defining moment when I was eight years old and I have opted to weep for the princess no more, I have chosen instead, to rejoice for myself!
I rejoice for having been given the chance to finally find out what was missing in my life. I rejoice for knowing that there was never really a need for liberation, nor for a royal liberator! I rejoice in humble acceptance, that my world was perfect as it was, whether a prince cared to announce his presence, or not! I rejoice in acknowledging that I had a dire yearning not for a savior, but for a companion to share the joys of my journey with. I rejoice in being grateful that a rescuer I didn’t find, but instead, a friend who had come to share this lifetime with.
As this magnificent planet bids farewell to another Valentine’s season and spins to the next one, my heart resonates with affection and my mind revels in the thought that, it was that significant minute, when I stopped believing in the fairy tales was when my love story began! That defining moment, when I finally let go of my prince and his promise of paradise was when I met my soul mate and found my heaven!
By: BigMamaDiva/ (February 2004)
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