Misery Is a Matter of Choice

Misery Is a Matter of Choice

I really don’t know what it is. Somehow, the end of the month always seems to transform an otherwise glorious month into a depressing one. Perhaps, the gloominess is brought about the deluge of obligations, financial and otherwise that need to be fulfilled before the clock strikes midnight on the very last day of the lunar month. Perhaps too, as we progress in age, it is our inability to cope with an ever-increasing pace of an already fast lifestyle that makes us incapable of accepting that another month has just passed us by.

My mother gave me a poster that says, “I can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses!” I remember her giving me the poster when I was in high school. She said that it was a very appropriate reminder for someone who spends most of her time complaining!!! The poster is over twenty years old now and I still have it. I put this poster print where I can see it every time, for there are days when I need to be reminded of the so-called “disguised blessings” badly!

Another end of the month was once again upon us. We were driving to attend one of those family birthday celebrations where all of the relatives who were born on that month get to blow the candles on one gigantic cake. On the way to the family gathering in the San Francisco Bay Area, we happened to drive by an accident. We saw a man on the side of the road, whose motorcycle apparently got struck by a big-rig truck and he appeared lifeless lying on the sidewalk.

Perhaps it was coincidence that we were there, perhaps it wasn’t, but the experience gave me a glaring indication on how precious life is. I felt a sudden sense of panic for all the time wasted on things that have remote affinity to adding real meaning to our time here on this splendid universe!

And so our afternoon drive started with this stark revelation.

On our frequent drives to family gatherings, my husband and I spend our four-hour round trip to the Bay Area to catch-up on each other’s lives. He tells me about his extremely intriguing corporate world and I tell him about my extremely dramatic domestic one!!!

For most parts, I give him some highlights of conversations I had with friends throughout the weeks that had passed. I update him on all of the current events that were significant to the lives of the people around us. I am in all technicalities, his unofficial human tabloid!

For that particular week, the headline that captivated our days had something to do with the emotional “bullies” who seem to have an ever-menacing presence in all of our lives. These were the people who made you feel guiltily responsible for everything that went awry in their lives. Unfortunately, there is at least one of these characters that appears in every episode of each of the life chapters of every man, woman and child in this vast universe!

So as my husband went about his driving, I went about with my updating. As always, the passionate and ferocious Leo in me overcomes my sense of self and I have the tendency to get absorbed in the drama of the so-called injustices that these life villains inflict on us, and yes, including all those around us.

My husband the sympathetic Virgo on the other hand, is one who absorbs everything you tell him, most of the time keeping his opinions to himself until he has heard every fascinating detail and every intriguing side of the story. A virtue that very opinionated people like me has tried to learn from him throughout all the years. Admittedly, learning with much difficulty! Consequently, given trying situations, most especially when emotions run high, I obviously fail desperately!!!

We had a lengthy discussion on what differentiates these so-called “miserably pathetic people” from those who lead abundantly contented lives. As someone who doesn’t have a nine to five job, I have the luxury of being able to imbibe the wisdom generously offered by the afternoon television line-up. I mentioned that I saw this Dr. Phil’s television show a couple of days ago. My husband, who unlike me spends his days living a salaried productive existence outside the home, was vaguely familiar with Dr. Phil.

I watch Dr. Phil’s show whenever I find time in my otherwise chore-ridden afternoons! Anyway, he had this one show that dealt with the “victim mentality”. Dr. Phil is an “in your face” kind of a therapist, he has no qualms telling people what is “wrong” with them. The bottom line is, Dr. Phil said that those who overcome the difficulties successfully are those who take responsibility for everything that happens in their life. Blaming, according to the good doctor is a waste of time.

Bottom line, there is no use looking at the past transgressions. In this lifetime, like in any other lifetime, there is no such thing as rewind and replay buttons. “Doing over” the past is in fact, whether we want to admit it or not, nothing but an illusion in impossibility. The sooner you realize that there is NO ONE else to blame but yourself, the sooner it is that you are able to stand up and continue along with your journey.

An important key is to know that your actions have consequences. The person who internalizes those consequences and takes responsibility for them seem to be more well adjusted than those who spend their whole lives blaming others for their miserable lot.

Dr. Phil had guests who have spent their whole lives miserably. Instead of healing their pain and going on with their lives, they spend all their waking hours finding an external antidote to their suffering, hence the path to addiction, crime and the predisposition to inflict pain on others. On the other end of the spectrum, he had guests whose directions in life were changed by their tragedies. They have experienced the miraculous transformation from being victims to becoming victors.

That lazy weekday afternoon when I was watching the show, I didn’t really put any thought about the valuable life lessons that were just imparted on my ultra-oblivious brain! However, that afternoon, when I was discussing this show with my television-challenged husband, Dr. Phil’s message finally made sense!!!

I thought of all the people in my life and how I can pretty much sort them by these two categories. Those who took responsibility for their pain have lead very fruitful, successful and more content lives. In addition, their success has been endearingly passed on to their family’s next generation. Like precious heirlooms, their children gratefully accepted and imbibed the heritage of dignity and perseverance.

On the other hand, those who have let nothing but misery and blame consume their waking hours, continuously struggle to get by. Most of the time, like a tornado that touches land, their wrath destroys everything in their path! Unfortunately, as a consequence, their miseries have inevitably seeped through the essence of their children’s spirits and have detrimentally defined their future!

I then made an inventory of everyone in our lives. The friendships we’ve nurtured and kept throughout the years have been with the people who have shared our convictions and our beliefs. We have been fortunate to be associated with wonderful people who have not allowed their share of pain ruin them. The dear friends who have graced our lives have surpassed their own share of trials, each one have managed to find the courage to instead make each tribulation an excuse to make their existence more meaningful than the day before. Their presence in our lives, like a touch of divinity, has made our journeys worthwhile!

Perhaps opportunities of attaining wisdom have been provided to us, as we have been witnesses to those, whose whole lives could very well have been called “textbook” miserable cases. Yet, the same fearless people have managed to re-invent themselves time and time again, each time becoming a better person than who they were before! Although unfortunately their number is in the minority, and one hardly hears any fuzz about them, they are indeed the ultimate textbook definition of success!

Undoubtedly on the other end of the spectrum, we know of people who live and breathe misery. Unfortunately, at times we found ourselves in the middle of the "eye of the storm", absorbing the entire wrath that their misery unfolded. Fortunately, on occasions, we were smart enough to get out of the way. Perhaps, in retrospect, being in the midst of these challenging people can be perceived simply as nature’s way of balancing herself out. Life as we know it can’t always be graced by those whose essence radiates enormous inspiration. There will always be those whose very presence requires a great deal of tolerance and unconditional acceptance.

Seeing that man on the side of the street seeming lifeless generated a mini-cathartic experience for me. I spent the afternoon trivializing minor details and understanding schemes that didn’t seem to make sense. I started unraveling the agenda behind the fury of the so-called “bullies” in our lives. Perhaps, the anger and all the manifestations of it that the “mean-spirited” individuals try to inflict on us is just a desperate cry for help.

Sometimes, it is with much difficulty that we attempt to see beyond the drama that we find ourselves in. However, like anything else in this great wonderful world of ours, all devastating storms have termination dates. We just need to find the courage to brace ourselves while we are still in the midst of the wrath and perhaps find solace in knowing that whatever it is or might have been, “it too shall pass!” All we can hope for is that after the passage is complete, the shocking after effects will go away sooner than later.

What I realized that eventful afternoon is that the facts about a situation remain the same. Nothing could ever change them, not anger, not frustration, not retribution. However, you start seeing them with loving eyes and the personal meanings of the so-called challenging chapters in our lives are seen with much more clarity.

As we found ourselves waiting for our turn to cross the San Francisco Bay Bridge, I sat inside the car with my best friend and I realized the serendipitous symbolism our impending crossing represented. At that point in time, I had just come across some emotional bridges myself. With great humility, I implored my life partner to remind me constantly to bless those who persecute us. I vowed to attain added consideration to those whose whole existence is an expression of pain. I said a silent offering of peace to those who have been so “wounded” that the only way they know how to comfort their broken spirit is to inflict their pain on others, in the hopes that the enormity of their suffering would somehow be alleviated. Perhaps, it is in all its true form, their brand of bullying is just a simple yearning for compassion!

As I had a change of heart and demeanor, I started being grateful to the “villains” in my life for giving me the endless opportunities to learn the virtues of patience and acceptance. I acknowledged their teaching presence in my life as I experience the cleansing feeling only the blessing of unconditional forgiveness brings. I began to send them thoughts of loving kindness, as I would any other human being who happens to significantly cross my path.

I found enlightenment in my change of perspective. At the end of your day if I can declare that I did something good for someone, regardless of who they were, then I would have lived my day to its fullest splendor! Imagine a lifetime lived with each day in its full splendor!!! What a marvelous thought! Anything beyond the splendor is really just “drama”. The tragic twists and turns that spice up our lives should be perceived strictly as entertainment only. My husband and I were both amused at the thought that we can look forward to spending the rest of our lives being entertained!

I once again remembered the man I saw lying by the freeway pavement and realized how our lives become more finite every minute. I salute the existence of trials in my life for it is only in overcoming them can I claim to be victorious over my limitations. In my being I know that misery and loneliness are nothing but manifestations of the physical body. Therefore I rejoice in my miseries, for it is only in this lifetime can I wallow in them. I am grateful for all the tribulations, for it is only in comparison with them that my successes are magnified.

I have lost all the reasons to complain regarding the thorn bushes that I have stumble upon in my journey. Instead, I have begun to be grateful for them for they have brought me such magnificent rose buds!

As we approached our destination, I was still a bit apprehensive about the ending of another month. I was appeased with the thought of knowing that in less than twenty-four hours, a new moon will ascend upon the heavens.

Life as we knew it will begin anew!

By BigMamaDiva/(May 2004)

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